dark night of the soul

"Upon that misty night
in secrecy, beyond such mortal sight
Without a guide or light
than that which burned so deeply in my heart
That fire t'was led me on
and shone more bright than of the midday sun
To where he waited still
it was a place where no one else could come"

- St. John of the Cross, from Dark Night of the Soul 

The weather couldn't be more beautiful today, but the blue sky and bright sun couldn't clash more with the way I'm feeling. I am having an artist's dark night of the soul, or what I like to call a "why bother?" day.

A "why bother?" day goes like this. You get up, you go about your routine, everything is fine. Then you get to thinking. About your life, your career. You ask yourself, Am I wasting my time? You get stuck on that question and it plays in your head like a broken record. It saps your productivity, spoils your mood. Everything you've done seems worthless, you suddenly feel lost. In a previous post I made a list to remind myself of why I make films, but when I'm really in the doldrums, no rational argument will help.

I once heard a celebrated author say he wishes he hadn't spent the last 40 years of his life writing. What a crushing realization to come to in the sunset of an illustrious career! Think of all the people out there clamoring for the very life he regrets. The idea chills me.

Like mystics, artists too can have crises of faith. I think it comes from spending too much time in our heads, blindly chasing abstract concepts. These moments are just part of being an artist--they are the price we pay for the privilege of making art. I've found that there's no other remedy but to wait them out, and go outside for some fresh air and physical activity. I suppose maybe an ice cream wouldn't hurt, either. (What would St. John have said to that?)